Human Window Panes

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Eyes are the windows to the soul, but a person’s laughter can tell you just as much, if not more. Laughter comes in various degrees and pitches. Outgoing versus its shy counterpart, the sad laugh versus the happy laugh, and even the ‘trying too hard to cover the sadness’ laugh- we still know, no need to fake it.

An outgoing laugh is a shock to the system. An all-of-a-sudden loud gong crash that rings out nothing but pure, soul-filled octaves of happiness. Outgoing laughter is contagious, it’s in every feature of a face showing from the rose glow that spreads across cheeks, the squinting eyes that seem to smile as well, the wide open mouth showing every happy tooth, and the head toss back that lets these chimes spread through the sky and make even the sun seem to smile down. An outgoing laugh is the purest form of a happiness that a human can seem to possess.

A shy laugh is nothing close to a gong crash, more of a quiet bubble. The sound of the wind rustling tree leaves on a fall morning, letting some slowly dance to the ground. Shy laughs are pink cheeks and eyes that don’t quite hold your gaze. It’s hands that quickly come up to hide teeth and ghost smiles. Although a shy laugh is not abrupt and straightforward, the eyes of the human will still glow with the pure form of happiness found in the head toss back of those with an outgoing laugh. Those shy laugh having humans’ eyes will glow and radiate a warmth like no other, they have their own sun inside of them. If you’re attentive enough to a shy laugh- a quiet sprinkle of rain sounding laugh- then you too, will see this sun light shine through.

Inside these categories of outgoing and shy, are subcategories of happy and sad and ‘trying too hard to cover the sadness.’ A happy laugh is easy to identify, for it always brings others happiness too. Listening to someone with a happy laugh is like watching sweet honey drip from their lips. A sad laugh mimics the whine of a puppy stuck in a cage, it’s still cute but it tugs at your soul in a way you can’t describe. A ‘trying too hard to cover the sadness’ type of laugh is a little harder to notice. Unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, it’s hard to hear it in others. It’s the type of laugh that mimics the beautiful croon of a violin, or a heart wrenching opera. Both are beautiful but some don’t ever see the true meaning underneath. It’s a big toothy smile that doesn’t ever make the eyes smile too. Everyone has heard it, but not all have realized it.

-Passages from a young M

The Blue Jay Escaping the Robin’s Nest

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We have always lived in homes that weren’t quite ours. My brother and I stand between walls built on instability, irritability, and ignorance. We occupy homes owned by men who date our mother, men who assume we have ‘daddy issues’ and try to take over the fatherly role. I defy this assumption, branded disrespectful, bratty, rude, and intolerable because I turn to my strong father for guidance and ignore the shrieks of men with no significance to me.

Our mother’s unhappiness and unsure feelings made us move every few years, making it even harder to find a home in these houses. Our unsure feelings are never noted, though. As long as we have a roof over our heads, it doesn’t matter, they say. Cole looks to me for guidance and I try my hardest to play the role of strong sister. ‘We’ll make it out of this,’ I always promise.

Cole and I found our solace, our own little island getaway, in the home of our grandparents. Walking in, the house always greeted us with chiming voices and sweet, drifting smells. It’s heart was found in the living room, the coziness and homey feeling wrapped itself around you, blanketing you in comfort. The fire place radiated a heat that warmed every physical aspect of your being, while friendly voices and kind conversation warmed you emotionally. This house, this getaway island, renewed he feeling of safety inside of us and reminded us of what a real home has the potential to feel like.

We’ve lived in a house now for quite sometime, but I still anticipate the abrupt get up and go. Every day, since the 8th grade, my thoughts have been a constant mantra of ‘just a few more years.’ Years have turned to months now and I’m waiting by the open window watching the days creep by. I’m waiting for the exact moment I can finally be the bird that flies away. The blue jay that flies far from the robin’s nest.

-Passages from a young M

Writer’s Block

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The scars on my body show I have stories to tell, but the words just won’t pour the same like crimson color on pale freckled skin.

The flowing ink of a pen’s rescue has not been the same life preserve as a metallic edge and instant relief.

The pain of words flowing like my childhood stream hasn’t compared to physical release and instant numbing.

I wish I had more to put forth in a healthier way, but I’ll let the writer’s block take it’s turn and revert to old methods of self harm.

Splitting Life.

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There once was a girl who stood very still. She quietly listened to the words echoing around her and found the sounds of birds chirping and kids playing. “If I listen hard enough, it can’t hurt me.”

There once was a girl who stood very still. She looked past the obscene gestures and objects thrown to find the hidden colors in her mom’s favorite painting- hung delicately in the dining room. “If I don’t look, it can’t hurt me.”

There once was a girl who stood very still. She stared at their red faces as they watched and waited for her response. Hyperventilating, she thought “If I don’t respond, they can’t hurt me.”.

-She was wrong.

Lies and Their Followers.

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It’s been a while.

Hard to find the words when the world’s gone so cold.

Hard to express what’s inside,

give you the right words,

what you deserve.

Hard to beat back the dark cloud,

anxiety lightning strikes

making my ears ring

I can’t hear what you’re saying

rain pouring over my already-tear-stained cheeks

hard to grasp reality

steam rises from the pavement bringing heat to my face and head

can’t catch my breath

can’t find the words to express myself.

Difficult to move,

immobilized but still shaking,

pleading with my lungs to breathe,

mirroring your calm demeanor.

I feel like the monster.

-I love you. Why did you do what you did?

Swirling Universe

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How could you ever say you’re “just you” when you possess the universe in your eyes alone?

Swirls of greens and browns beneath oceans of blue

Cosmos on Earth’s soil,

Slipping into the depths of waves

I could get lost trying to unravel these infinite layers

So how dare you ever say you’re “just you”

-About someone I don’t love anymore.

Lemonade.

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You smell of lemonade and laundry soap

Making me want to cuddle you up, drink you in

You’re clean and soft, sugary and sweet

But still spark the flame that sets my insides on fire like my favorite rum

Every kiss planted on my lips,

Every touch trailing to my hips,

Makes me burst into flames that could put any volcano to shame.

Give me all of you in exchange for all of me and together we can set the world on fire.

Transformation of Aggravation

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It’s okay to feel unhappy, but it isn’t okay to spew venom filled words and make others feel sickly due to the negativity you let fester because of your hatred of your own life.

It’s okay to feel unhappy but it’s important to understand what fertilizes bright thoughts to grow out of you like lustrous spring meadows. Nurture your small, internal gardens and diligently weed the poisonous thoughts out.

It’s okay to feel unhappy, it’s always okay to feel unhappy, but remember the only person who can create happiness for you, is you.

It’s like talking to walls.

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What else is there to know, or say?

What else could I possibly mumble or spit into this void that I haven’t already screamed so many times in the past?

How else do I word that I’m a failure, an inadequacy in this life, a speck of a mistake tainting this world.

How else do I tell my loved ones that I yearn to leave, and that I dream about not belonging here?

“I didn’t think I’d make it this far,” I say

“But you did! You’ve accomplished so much,” they reply

“I meant my age, not my achievements,” I think but I never say.